An Antidote for Wound Collecting
In the same way that focusing on health rather than disease can make us feel better, paying attention to strengths rather than fragility can help us grow.
“Being impacted by being what happened to you isn’t victimhood, it’s human.
Making an identity out of it is victimhood.”
— Seerut Chawla
The stories we tell about ourselves shape the people we become. If we fixate on how we have been wronged, we become wound collectors—stuck in the past and awash in grievances. Focusing on fragility overshadows our capability to overcome adversity. Making an identity out of the bad things that happen to us can result in a preoccupation with victimhood, leaving an individual stuck in a vortex of finger pointing, self-focus, and rumination.
Those with a victim mindset tend to:
Constantly seek recognition of their victimhood — They have a perpetual need to have their suffering acknowledged.
Have a sense of moral elitism — They perceive themselves as having an immaculate morality and to be morally superior to others.
Lack empathy for the pain and suffering of others — They become so preoccupied with their own victimhood that they ignore opportunities to help others.
Frequently ruminate about past victimization — They are so preoccupied with the causes and consequences of how they have been wronged that they have little interest in solutions. Moreover, such rumination reduces the motivation for forgiveness and increases the drive to seek revenge.
Focusing on grievances influences the interpretation of everyday interactions. Those with a victim mindset are more likely to be offended in ambiguous situations. For instance, if a colleague doesn’t say hello or a friend doesn’t return a text, they will take it as personally rather than consider other reasons for the offender’s behavior. They are also more likely to think the offenders’ hurtful behavior was intentional. As summarized in a research paper on the topic, “People who have a higher tendency for personal victimhood feel victimized more often, more intensely, and for longer durations than those who have a lower such tendency.”
If a person is in search of offense, they will surely find it. A passing comment, a cryptic expression, even a well-intentioned compliment might be taken the wrong way if one is on the look out for disrespect or a put down.
There are many factors that might contribute to a victim mindset including an anxious attachment style and having experienced real victimization though, developing a victim mindset can develop without past trauma. Victim beliefs can also be learned. Education, social media, and constantly being reminded of grievances can contribute to this line of thinking. For instance, reminding people of a time they were wronged has been shown to promote a victim mindset including entitled and selfish behavior.
I cannot help but wonder if the current emphasis on fragility is undermining people’s sense of agency and perhaps even contributing to the current mental health crisis. When you lack a sense of control, depression and learned helplessness can kick in. The reality is we are all vulnerable but we are also incredibly strong. Instead of seeing ourselves through a lens of fragility, research shows it is healthier to see ourselves as heroes on a journey. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that when people begin to see their lives as heroic quests, they report less depression and cope better with adversity.
The researchers created a “re-storying” intervention to help participants retell their story as a hero’s journey. They were instructed to identify each of the 7 key elements of the hero’s journey and then to weave them together into a coherent narrative.
Afterwards, participants reported greater wellbeing and more meaning in their lives. They also became more resilient in the face of adversity and saw obstacles as challenges rather than road blocks.
To become the hero of your own story, consider the following questions:
By making people feel like they are heroes on a journey, the re-storying intervention enables them to reframe obstacles as part of their journey towards transformation and triumph. As Lou Ursa, a licensed psychotherapist in California put it, having an eagle eye view versus a snake eye view of our lives puts things in perspective. All too often, we are seeing what is right in front of us rather than the big picture.
Of note, you don’t have to be Wonder Woman to think about your life story this way. Anyone can benefit from reframing their narrative through a lens of strength and transformation. And who knows—maybe you have more in common with Wonder Woman than you think…
Bottom Line: In the same way that focusing on health rather than disease can make us feel better, paying attention to strengths rather than fragility can help us grow. Be the hero of your own story and let agency be your superpower.
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Thought-provoking, positive and inspiring message today ~ thank you!
Super helpful suggestions / tools to help combat this mindset.