How Boomerasking Steals the Magic of Good Conversation

A simple strategy to strengthen social bonds and turn curiosity into connection.

How often have you had a conversation that goes something like this:

“Hey, how was your weekend?” the person asks you. You respond that it was fine. Then the person launches into a sermon about all the cool things they did. “Mine was amazing! So on Friday my son won his karate tournament, on Saturday I competed in an Iron Man, and then on Sunday I perfected my croissant-making skills.” What initially seemed like a genuine interest in you suddenly shifts course and becomes an opportunity for the other person to talk about themselves.

If this conversation sequence sounds familiar, you have encountered a boomerasker–someone who asks a question, lets the other person answer, and then answers the question themselves. Like a boomerang, the question returns quickly to its source. As the old saying goes, and boomerasking encapsulates, most people don’t listen to understand, they listen to reply.

According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, there are three main categories of boomerasking:

1. Ask-bragging

This type of boomerasker likes to outdo you.

They ask you a question and then follow with a show-off response as described above.

2. Ask-complaining

This type of boomerasker likes to out-vent you.

When they ask you a question such as, “How was your day?” and you respond with a simple “long.” They then follow up with “Tell me about it! You think your day was tough–my day was brutal. Between the kids, my clients, and my husband, there is no time for me.”

3. Ask-sharing

This type of boomerasker feigns interest in your opinion but has already made up their mind and has been waiting to share it with you.

When the person asks you a question such as “What should we eat for dinner tonight?” You respond, “How about pizza.” They respond with, "Let's have tacos. I know the best place to order from.”

We have all been on the receiving end of a boomerask. Truth be told, it is likely that we have also been a boomerasker. In the study, more than 90 percent of respondents acknowledged that they had asked and been asked a boomerasker-type question. Full disclosure, I was out with friends the evening after the Blue Origin flight and asked the group, “So what did you all think of the space flight?” Yes, I was curious about everyone’s opinion but I also couldn’t wait to weigh in myself. Perhaps this is a subtype of boomerasking: ask-opining?

The problem with boomerasking is that it ruins the magic of a good conversation. Failing to follow up on your partner’s answer, and answering the question yourself makes the person feel like you don’t care about them—and probably didn’t care about them when you asked the question in the first place. It was just an excuse for you to hijack the conversation and talk about yourself.

While research shows that talking about oneself feels good (yes, this is one of the reasons why so many people love therapy), there is good evidence that if we care about strengthening our social bonds, asking sincere questions, genuinely listening to others’ responses, and following up on those responses with care and curiosity is the way to go. As the authors of the study conclude:

Communicators who ask sincere questions and listen to their partners’ answers can uncover deeper, more supportive conversations and relationships, but people should avoid turning the focus of a conversation back to themselves before showing interest in their partner’s answer.

The people who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we feel heard, we expand. When we feel dismissed, we retreat. Good manners have a role to play here. As my mother always told me, “Whatever you do, don’t talk too much about yourself.” Put simply, focus on the other person. Show interest in them before proving how interesting you are to them.

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