A much needed discussion in these times when we so often tend to oversimplify oh so many things. At times, I believe, it comes in part from overwhelm, and an understandable need to simplify our world just to make it seem somewhat more manageable: with our attention pulled in a million directions, we don't feel we have time to read, ponder and discuss ideas and issues deeply; overwhelmed by the size of our contact lists and a seemingly unrelenting stream of entreaties to "meet up", we ruthlessly cut off people whose social media posts strike us "fascist," "Woke," "narcissistic," or yes, "toxic". Or maybe it's just me. LOL.
Labeling, over generalization, jumping to conclusions, should thinking…all these and the other cognitive distortions come to mind…all of which serve to skew our interpretations of people, events, things, etc. I have also worked with people who thought my job was to support their behaviors and choices blindly and were surprised when I explained that my job was to help them function better by gently challenging them to consider alternatives. I also lost a few clients from this conversation.
Thanks for this great reminder to question..everything!
I so Appreciate ur insight. I agree with you, not everything is black and white, and especially today people are very quick to judge. Everyone is fighting a battle, so letting go, and moving on is very helpful. Not everyone is toxic, some people just have different views and opinions , they are entitled . Thank you
As a gay man who lived long before most people came to not give a hoot about gaydom - just when I think I’ve stopped filtering anything, I catch myself flinching about talking about my legally married husband of 25 years.
If I had to isolate myself from everyone who was “toxic” I’d live in a cave. I think the word - as poisonous - is best reserved for actually toxic things - like Fly Agaric, Clorox, Arsenic. Being an asshole is not Toxic, being a bully is not toxic, insulting and dismissive behavior is not toxic, sexual stereotyping people is not toxic. I’ve found in life that those behaviors are out of ye olde ignorance, low self-esteem, poor parental training.
The correct word is easy, it is “impolite”. It is impolite to cut a speaker off and mansplain “the facts of the matter”. It is impolite to ask someone to make a decision and veto it. It’s impolite to make racist; sexist; or homophobic comments.
None of those are toxic, they are impolite.
If the fantasy is that one meets only polite respectful people, knights in armor and fair damsels, completely altruistic shy passive but accepting people - turn on the Hallmark channel, and smoke a joint.
After age 4 we should have found that the world is full of completely “disrespectful” people who don’t have your interests in mind, and may get satisfaction from pushing other people around.
The rest of life is coping with it. There are far worse things in life than someone speaking over you at a meeting. I’ve been screamed at in professional meetings (Executive Vice President level), I’ve been informed about Queer people by my board members when a CEO, and a host of other indignities. Fortunately being gay has amusingly rendered me almost completely immune to these things, and
The people who do this in public situations come off being horrible people, but even horrible People get things done at times.
If we want to stop pathologizing people, let's also drop the suffix "phobia" as it's false and simply a pejorative designed to stop dialogue. Bye bye trans/homo/Islam ophobia . .
So insightful and very helpful especially for a large family. Thank you.
Helpful
Grazie
You made some excellent and important points to keep us from harming others and hurting ourselves, as well. Bravo!
A much needed discussion in these times when we so often tend to oversimplify oh so many things. At times, I believe, it comes in part from overwhelm, and an understandable need to simplify our world just to make it seem somewhat more manageable: with our attention pulled in a million directions, we don't feel we have time to read, ponder and discuss ideas and issues deeply; overwhelmed by the size of our contact lists and a seemingly unrelenting stream of entreaties to "meet up", we ruthlessly cut off people whose social media posts strike us "fascist," "Woke," "narcissistic," or yes, "toxic". Or maybe it's just me. LOL.
Labeling, over generalization, jumping to conclusions, should thinking…all these and the other cognitive distortions come to mind…all of which serve to skew our interpretations of people, events, things, etc. I have also worked with people who thought my job was to support their behaviors and choices blindly and were surprised when I explained that my job was to help them function better by gently challenging them to consider alternatives. I also lost a few clients from this conversation.
Thanks for this great reminder to question..everything!
I so Appreciate ur insight. I agree with you, not everything is black and white, and especially today people are very quick to judge. Everyone is fighting a battle, so letting go, and moving on is very helpful. Not everyone is toxic, some people just have different views and opinions , they are entitled . Thank you
A nice corrective. Thanks.
Nice piece.
As a gay man who lived long before most people came to not give a hoot about gaydom - just when I think I’ve stopped filtering anything, I catch myself flinching about talking about my legally married husband of 25 years.
If I had to isolate myself from everyone who was “toxic” I’d live in a cave. I think the word - as poisonous - is best reserved for actually toxic things - like Fly Agaric, Clorox, Arsenic. Being an asshole is not Toxic, being a bully is not toxic, insulting and dismissive behavior is not toxic, sexual stereotyping people is not toxic. I’ve found in life that those behaviors are out of ye olde ignorance, low self-esteem, poor parental training.
The correct word is easy, it is “impolite”. It is impolite to cut a speaker off and mansplain “the facts of the matter”. It is impolite to ask someone to make a decision and veto it. It’s impolite to make racist; sexist; or homophobic comments.
None of those are toxic, they are impolite.
If the fantasy is that one meets only polite respectful people, knights in armor and fair damsels, completely altruistic shy passive but accepting people - turn on the Hallmark channel, and smoke a joint.
After age 4 we should have found that the world is full of completely “disrespectful” people who don’t have your interests in mind, and may get satisfaction from pushing other people around.
The rest of life is coping with it. There are far worse things in life than someone speaking over you at a meeting. I’ve been screamed at in professional meetings (Executive Vice President level), I’ve been informed about Queer people by my board members when a CEO, and a host of other indignities. Fortunately being gay has amusingly rendered me almost completely immune to these things, and
The people who do this in public situations come off being horrible people, but even horrible People get things done at times.
I’m over 4, I hope most people are by now.
If we want to stop pathologizing people, let's also drop the suffix "phobia" as it's false and simply a pejorative designed to stop dialogue. Bye bye trans/homo/Islam ophobia . .
So, you are telling people to be nice to their abusive ex, whom they have cut off communication with?