Three Phrases to Boost Your Real-Time Resilience

How to ground yourself in reality.

“I don’t jump to conclusions. I leap to them,” explained my patient Ava. In many ways, Ava believed that being a pessimist served her well. She carried an umbrella on sunny days. She traveled with an extra phone in case hers was damaged or lost. She expected her favorite basketball team to always lose.

Anticipating a negative outcome protected her from disappointment or being caught off guard. Her pessimism was both personal and global. The universe didn’t have her back, nor did anyone else. “If you expect people to let you down, you won’t be upset when they do.” When things worked out, she was shocked. It was an exception to the rule. When things went badly, she felt a sense of relief. She admitted she relished “I told you so” moments. There was something satisfying about being right about everything going wrong.

But Ava’s pessimism also locked her into a doom loop of worst case scenarios that was impacting her work and private life. She recognized that catastrophizing was preventing her from coping more productively in everyday life but said she was allergic to all the “think positive” messaging. “Looking at the bright side hurts my eyes,” she declared.

I explained that the idea is not to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, but to be more realistic. The goal is accuracy, not toxic positivity. As Scott Peck once observed, “Mental Health is dedication to reality at all costs.”

Given that it feels like the world is slowly devolving into one big dumpster fire, being a pessimist might seem like the only option. War, the environment, and the imminent takeover of our lives by AI are among the many reasons to have a doomsday disposition but new research published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests a more effective way to respond when everything feels upside down.

Dr. Xiangyou “Sharon” Shen of Oregon State University and her colleagues studied the experience of over 500 adults during the COVID pandemic and found that those who were clear-eyed about the challenges they faced but who also deliberately generated positive experiences coped more actively and creatively. Those who focused on positive future possibilities while remaining realistic about current circumstances found creative substitutes for what was lost, viewed obstacles as opportunities for growth, and maintained a sense of control over their situation. Dr. Xiangyou calls this “lemonading.” Lemonading doesn’t mean you don’t take your situation seriously, but it can mean you cope with it better.

Here are three taglines you can use to build real time resilience and to help you get better at turning lemons into lemonade.

Whenever you have a counterproductive or pessimistic thought:

Consider an alternative explanation

The phrase A more accurate way of seeing this is… will help keep things in perspective.

For instance, if you’re thinking “I am so nervous. This presentation is going to be a total disaster” you can respond with, “A more accurate way of seeing this is I’ll probably sound a little nervous at the beginning but then I’ll relax and it will all be fine.”

Gather evidence that challenges an overly negative interpretation of a situation

Using the phrase That’s not true because… will help combat negativity bias and the default tendency to assume the worst.

If your thought is “my kids are so ungrateful” you can respond with “That's not true because my son told me yesterday how much I helped him study for his test.”

Consider implications

The phrase A more likely outcome is… and I can... to deal with it will help you keep things real and also remind you that you have agency.

So if your negative thought is “I'm going to get fired and will never find another job I like” replace it with “A more likely outcome is my boss will be annoyed I didn't get the job done on time and I can apologize and ask for help with projects I'm juggling.”

Bottom Line

Direct your spotlight toward possibilities for positive change and growth, illuminating a potential path forward even during dark times. Groundless pessimism will lock you into a doom loop of despair whereas evidence based optimism will ground you in reality.